Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I don't deserve a penis
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize