I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
