didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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