Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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