Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
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