I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
