so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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