Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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