Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
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