I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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