I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
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