I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
