his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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