Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I have feelings that need drinking.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
