I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize