Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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