Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
