I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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