we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
