So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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