so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
