Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
