you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
