OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
