Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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