ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
