The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
