I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
