It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
