happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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