All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
