I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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