Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
