I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
