I think I won the penis lottery.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
