I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
