I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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