I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Is her dick bigger than yours?
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