Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
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