I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
