im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
