remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
