im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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