Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
