he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
