your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
