Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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