I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
