she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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