last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
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