Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
