I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
