I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
you win again, gameday.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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