Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
