I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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