I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
