So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
