I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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