I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
