she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
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