Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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