Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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