Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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