I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
