Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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