I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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