so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I think I am morally bankrupt
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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