When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Randomize