Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
