Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I feel great
I just peed on a car
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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