You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Randomize
