i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize