This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize