Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
